


Man, I Feel Like a Woman

by Andromeda



Series: Man, I Feel Like a Woman [1]
Category: Life on Mars
Genre: F/F, Genderswap, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-22
Updated: 2008-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-23 02:12:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromeda/pseuds/Andromeda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So what would happen if Sam one day woke up as a woman?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Man, I Feel Like a Woman

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks go to [](http://draycevixen.livejournal.com/profile)[**draycevixen**](http://draycevixen.livejournal.com/) for flinging ideas at me when I lost my way with this. Also thanks to her for the beta. Title is borrowed from Shania Twain's rather catchy hit. I should warn for crack here, shouldn't I?

Sam blamed his reaction on the fact that, well, really, no one ever expected to wake up a completely different gender to the one they had been sure they were the night before. Now that was the stuff of unpasteurized cheese nightmares.

Sam blamed the 'delayed' element of his reaction on the rather large volume of whisky he had imbibed the night before. Indeed he had managed to shave, brush his teeth and, er, go, and was halfway through his daily tepid 'shower' before he realised that all was not quite familiar.

After five or so minutes of probing and frowning, he finally drew his expert conclusion.

"Bloody hell! I'm a woman!!!"

Further rational thought was absent for several minutes after this as Sam hopped around the bathroom, desperately willing for it all to be just a horrible dream. But, unfortunately for him, the dream resolutely refused to fade and he was finally left with the dilemma of what to wear on his first 'outing' at the office.

"Does this pink shirt bring out the colour of my eyes?" he mused before realising that his favourite pair of trousers might be quite snug on the hips, but were very baggy on the waist. Another ten minutes were utilised, along with a small knife and two attempted stabbings, in making his belt wearable. But the overall effect, as long as Sam didn't attempt to button up his leather jacket, wasn't too bad.

Sam did wonder whether the sudden gender change would count for or against him in the insanity stakes. Whereas thinking you were from the future was just rather loony, physically becoming a woman would either be complete vindication in a world gone mad or one psychosomatic symptom too far.

Of course, it turned out his worrying was, as ever, in vain. No-one noticed any difference as he staggered into the CID offices that morning. Well, that or they didn't particularly care.

The Guv, of course, was too busy 'questioning' the latest suspect in the recent spate of violent robberies. In line with the previous week's 'discussion' with his Inspector, he had dragged Ray in with him. So Sam was left to discuss the wrapping up of the previous case with Chris.

Chris seemed to bear it stoically, even remembering where he had managed to lose one or two of the forms. As attentive as always, his ineffable air of normality began to wear on Sam after a while.

Finally cracking, Sam looked up at Chris, head bent over Form W14D in concentration, and asked, "do you notice anything different about me, Chris?"

Chris looked surprised, but creased his forehead in a semblance of concentration, which unfortunately just gave him a rather constipated air, in Sam's opinion. Then his countenance cleared.

"You're wearing new aftershave, Boss. It suits you," he said in the tone of a professional clairvoyant.

"Right," Sam said, not wanting to comment that he wasn't actually wearing aftershave, and indeed never did.

"Is that all, Boss?"

Sam opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. "Yeah, that's quite all, Chris."

Rather bewildered, Sam excused himself and wandered off, leaving Chris to fill in the other forms, trekking down to the staff canteen where Phyllis and Annie were having an early lunch.

"Morning, ladies," he said, "mind if I join you?"

Phyllis barely raised an eyebrow. But there again, Phyllis rarely raised more than an eyebrow. "I'll catch you later, Annie," she said, stubbing out her cigarette. "Boss."

Sam slid into her vacant seat and Annie smiled at him. "Disco or cinema?"

"Huh?"

"Disco or cinema? Saturday night." Annie frowned. "Don't tell me you've forgotten again?"

In truth, Sam had, but he shook his head and plastered on a charming smile. "Of course, not. Er, cinema, I think. Unless you fancy a quiet dinner in. I'll cook?"

Annie laughed. "In your poxy bedsit? Not a chance. Cinema it is."

For about the thirtieth time Sam cursed the affect his bedsit was having on his love-life. He resolved, for about the thirtieth time, to look at getting somewhere a little less … bohemian. Then he realised that his current situation was likely to have even more of a detrimental affect on his love-life

"Annie, do you notice anything different about me?"

She stared at him for a few moments, then shrugged. "Your skin looks clearer. Are you using moisturiser?"

"No, I'm not using moisturiser. Though if you can recommend something… Look Annie, this is rather delicate, but I have to tell you now and not later."

Annie immediately braced herself for the worst. Sam could tell, her shoulders squared and her expression became closed.

That didn't help.

"Annie, I'm a woman."

She stared at him for a couple of seconds. "You know, you shouldn't take everything the Guv says to heart," she finally stated. "So you're in touch with your emotions. It doesn't actually make you female."

"I've got breasts!"

"So? A few too many beers at the Arms and you're letting yourself go a little. That's nothing some exercise and a diet won't cure. Anyway, I like my men a little more rounded."

"I've got…" Sam stopped, suddenly realising the futility of the conversation. "I've got to lose a little weight, that's all. Cinema it is, but I'm not buying toffees."

"No toffees. I can manage that."

"Good. I'll er, catch you later, eh?"

Annie smiled up at him, relief plain in her face. "See you later, Sam."

Sam wandered down the corridor, deep in thought. So Chris and Annie didn't see anything different. Was that good or bad? Did it mean it didn't matter or that Sam had finally gone so crazy that he couldn't even identify his own gender correctly? Was this his equivalent of thinking he was Napoleon?

"Tyler!" The Guv's voice cut through Sam's thoughts. "Where the bloody hell are you going?"

"Little boys room, Guv."

"So why have you got your hand on the doorhandle of the ladies' bogs, then?

Sam started in shock, he hadn't even noticed he was outside the wrong toilets. He turned to Gene and yelled, in confusion, "Because I _am_ a lady, that's why!"

Gene was taken aback for a moment, then started laughing. "I always said you were a girl, Tyler. Nice to see you think you're finally growing up. Now hurry up, Aunt Mabel, we're interviewing a suspect when you can get your arse into gear and stop pissing around."

Sam pulled a rather unflattering face at Gene's retreating form. It was going to be a very long day.

That turned out to be another in a long line of false statements. The case was wrapped up by mid-afternoon, courtesy of a confession. Results really were easy to obtain if one allowed one's morals to flex slightly.

Gene, very pleased, called time on the day's activities soon after and the Railway Arms was filled with jocular detectives not much later than that.

Sam felt himself relaxing as the beer flowed freely. Almost enough to share a joke with Ray. Though, in the end, the moustache put him off. So what if Sam suddenly believed he had obtained genitalia he wasn't so intimately familiar with. It was all about perception, after all. And Sam had managed to keep his thoughts of the future to himself. Mostly. Somewhat. Concealing the thoughts of womanhood from the rest of the team would be easy. In 2007, after all, there were no such people as policemen and policewomen. They were all police officers. No gender bias there. And it wasn't as if anyone at the station even thought he was a woman.

Although turning up in a skirt, blouse and makeup would probably get that noticed, Sam thought, rather regretfully, filing the idea of a full shopping trip away in the back of his mind. But there was one way in which he could take advantage of this new situation. Sam was rather counting on the newfound lunacy stretching to more physiological differences. Say, of the multiple sort.

He smiled at that.

Annie, in direct line of said smile, reciprocated, and Sam winced. Now that was something he had to tackle at some point. Sooner rather than later. But after, at least, another beer.

Another beer turned into another, and another. Until it was certain that Sam had to 'recycle' before being able to replenish again. He extracted himself from the 'fascinating' football discussion he had found himself in and wandered towards the back of the pub.

Annie was just in front of him as she turned left to go into the ladies. Without thought, Sam followed her.

"What are you doing Sam? People will talk," she said, both flattered and shocked at the same time.

"We need to talk." Sam stated. "Now."

Again she put up her defences, shoulders pushing forward, standing straight, ready to bear anything Sam said manfully.

Except Sam didn't say a word. He just started to unbutton his shirt.

"Hey, Sir," she pushed her hands forward, palms out, in a warding gesture, "no frisky stuff here, please."

"Just watch."

Her eyes flashed something, something that could be akin to arousal for a second, before cocking her hip up against the washbasin. "Okay."

Sam finished unbuttoning his shirt and pulled it wide open. "There."

Annie stared for a heartbeat. "Bloody hell, Sam. You really _have_ let yourself go."

Sam growled. The alcohol was coursing through his veins and he felt irrationally insulted. He advanced on Annie, pushing her into the sole cubicle, and unzipped his trousers. He grabbed her hand and forced it down inside them, palm on the back of her hand, pressing her hand into the unfamiliar mound.

Her eyes widened. "Oh my God," she breathed and he cut her off with a forceful kiss. He drew back, eventually.

"Now do you believe me?"

Annie nodded, still with a shocked look on her face. But she didn't withdraw her hand. Instead she curled her fingers under, probing that little bit deeper. Her other hand pulled on the waistband of the now open trousers, trying to move her hand further in between his legs. Her fingers stroked smooth wet flesh and Sam bucked his hips in to her palm.

She grinned, now bringing up her other hand to caress his breasts, palm brushing his nipples, causing a sensation he'd never really felt before. He moaned, stepping forward, crushing their bodies together, pulling up her long skirt and searching underneath for the waistband of her knickers.

"Ah," he breathed, as he finally located the elastic, twisting his wrist as he delved deeper into the folds of fabric, finding, or at least hoping he had found his own goal as he drew his left hand behind Annie's neck, pulling her closer.

The angles were awkward and Sam was sure that both of them would have cramped fingers and hands by the time they had both been satisfied, but it didn't matter.

"Oh, god," he breathed.

Annie took the lead, delving and stroking and Sam blindly followed. An almost-familiar sensation travelled up his spine, from his toes, pulled unwillingly from the pit of his stomach. "Oh, Christ," he moaned. "Oh, Jesus Christ on a bike. Oh, bloody hell. I, ah, oh fucking, fucking hell!"

Annie chuckled, "You've a filthy mouth when you're turned on and no mistake!" But she didn't let up and Sam redoubled his efforts, not sure at all about the etiquette of the situation he found himself in.

His orgasm surprised him, almost like a blagger slamming him between the shoulder blades. He shook and Annie didn't let up. He shook again and still she didn't stop, just easing down, almost coasting him down, finally to a stop.

It overwhelmed Sam completely and it was a couple of seconds before he realised he was slumped against Annie, pressing her into the tiled wall, unmoving hand still down the front of her knickers.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" he gasped, curling his fingers round again, but she gently grabbed his wrist, pulling it out from under her skirt. "There's a time and a place for that, Sam. And I have to say, now and here is not it."

Sam grinned, . "How about my place in about half an hour?"

Annie grinned back. "Substitute your place for mine and that sounds _much_ more suitable."


End file.
